“Daddy, wake up
wake up...” I heard a strand of velvety voice speaking
into my ears. “We cannot be late today.”
I barely opened my
eyes and saw a little girl sitting beside me. She was holding her little Ollie
toy and looking naively into me. “Oh my little
sweetheart June you woke up so early today!” I held her
towards me and kissed her cheek. She giggled.
“We
have to go visit Daddy Will today remember?” Said June.
“You urged us to sleep so we could wake up early today.”
“Of
course I remember, how could I forget.” I said, rubbing
my eyes. “Where is Ernest?”
“That
pig is still sleeping.” June pouted. “I
called his name and shook his body but he kept sleeping.”
“Hey
June never address your brother that way again, promise me.”
I put out my pinky finger and waiting for June to twine mine. She did it after
pondering about it.
“This is my sweetheart.”
I praised. “Now go and wake Ernest up again. If he
still refuses to wake up, tell him that I won’t bring him fishing tomorrow.”
“Okay.” June said
and walked out my room with her little Ollie. “Daddy,
your plan worked!” June said out loud in triumphant.
“Great.” I yelled. “Bring him up to wash himself.”
Dealing with kid is a sacred job and indeed a very tiring job,
it killed more than a million body cells a day. A dad’s job was like stopping
them to do anything dangerous, feed them on time, bring them to school, put
them into bed, bring them out for picnic, attend parent-teacher day and all
sort of things. These errands were still cool but when they have their little
moments, that would literally drive me crazy.
When Will came back from Afghanistan after our wedding, he
brought up an issue on child adoption. He thought of bringing home some little
lives to perfect our life and was asking for my opinion. I agreed eventually and
we began looking through whatever possible and legal ways to adopt a child
because back then, gay parents have low chance of getting a child even though
through proper procedure. After a month of trials we finally got a call from
the foster home and she called us to meet her up for a discussion regarding our
application of child adoption.
The next day we met her in her office and had a serious
discussion on our financial state, jobs and personal and family background. She
was pretty happy with our answers throughout the discussion and told us that we
may have a high chance of getting a fraternal twin, a male and a female baby.
Will and I were so happy we literally jumped off of our seat and hugging each
other.
After a series of documentations we can officially and finally bring
our twin back home. Will and I decided to name the male as Ernest because we
wanted him to be true to himself and be a compassionate being while for our
baby girl, we named her June simply because she came home on June and also we
thought June was a pretty name.
Firstly when we brought June and Ernest back home they were only
twelve months old. Will and I do attend few classes on ‘how to take care of
babies’ and referred few books about parenting but things didn't work out well.
Things got out of control and the house was full with cryings. Not only June
and Ernest, but Will and I too. Will eventually went to our neighbor and asked
for her help. She was a nice old lady and easily calmed these two little
monsters down in about 10 minutes time. Will and I dropped our jaw and couldn't thank her more. She taught us some tricks to deal with the babies which the
books have never written any. When our neighbor left Will and I knew that we
would have a long and tough way to go. We just smiled and understood each other
thoughts already.
Will would have few months before he departed again to
Afghanistan. We took turn to serve our little monsters. In the morning when I
was off to work he would need to take care of June and Ernest and it sometimes
drove him crazy. He would call me and started yelling at me for no reason. It
could be really depressing. At night we always wished that they won’t cry but
if they did, we would push and persuade each other to walk over to their room
and check them out. Those months were the months which black circles started to
be visible and worsen when we didn't get enough of rest.
Despite all hardships, our tiredness would be easily swept away
when our little June and Ernest laughing happily in the bed. The indescribable
sense of accomplishment when we could see them growing up: crawling on the
floor, learn to stand up, learn to walk and eventually running. Nothing could
be as happy as witnessing and taking part in their growth.
____________________________________________
In a bend of road we reached our destination. June and Ernest
were happy because they could finally see Will after a year and in a way, they
were sad because they could never literally see him anymore.
As I parked my convertible, I brought a bouquet of flowers out
of it and passed it to June. I held their hands in mine and started walking
towards the cemetery. As we reached Will’s grave we sat down in front of it and
June put the flowers down. She started talking to Will about her new friends
she met in the school and showing him her Little Ollie that I bought for her
last week. Ernest, in another way sitting on my thigh and being really quiet.
I felt sad because I could never give them the love only Will
could give.
I felt sad because they could never feel Will’s warm body
anymore.
I felt sad because I was helpless to my children.
Then, Ernest stood up and began speaking of his soccer game with
other kids on the field. He showed Will the report card which had his good
grades written on it to make Will feel proud of him. Ernest didn't want to
waste a single second he could talk to his Daddy Will despite his quiet
sadness. He was doing hard to make me feel better.
When they were done I started cleaning up Will’s tomb. When I
saw his photo framed on the tombstone with his name carved on it, I felt my
heart tighten. I wanted a shoulder a cry on so badly but I couldn't. If I
display my sadness Ernest and June would feel sadder and probably start crying.
They had enough of this in their life and I was doing all I can to make every
single second a memorable and enjoyable one. This was my promise and redemption
to them.
As June and Ernest walked to other kids who their parents were also
visiting their passed away family members, I started talking to Will.
“You know, Will, Ernest and June are doing
really great in their study and they have been behaving well all the time. They
are already 9 years old now. Remember the day we brought them home they were so
small. But they are growing real fast. Ernest is taller than her sister
already.”
I snorted. “How could you leave like
that? How could you put me through all these things? How could you?” Tears started rolling down. “You
left for two years now and I am still trying hard to live. If it’s not for the
kids I would have gone with you now.
“I really want to be braver, to just face
every day like a challenge, even the kids are doing better than me. They were
sad at first but they somehow looked stronger than me. I still couldn't believe
that you left this place already.
“On your last departure you told me it would
be the last one and called me to hold on. After this final year you said your
enlistment will come to an end and you will be doing something else so you can
spend more time with me and the kids. But why didn't you make it back to home
this time? On the final year of your enlistment? You worked so hard for so many
years and those years you were well back home but why didn't you come home this
time? You’re such a liar you didn't keep your promise!”
I said it real hard and tears were streaming down fiercely. I didn't know if June and Ernest overheard that but I didn't seem to care too
much anymore. Those were too much to hold. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I
shook my head.
The wind was blowing soft and the sunlight was tender on my
skin. The dandelions were flying amid the air and the grass waving blissfully
on the ground. It was such a beautiful day even birds were chippering but my
body wasn't doing good at all. My torso trembling hard due to the sudden
outburst and I couldn't do anything about it.
I felt somebody holding both my hands and I realized that they
were Ernest and June. They were squatting beside me. Ernest wiped away the
tears on my left cheek using his hands while June did the same thing on my
right cheek but using her handkerchief. They were then kissed both sides of my
cheeks, replacing the tears instead. Instinctively I put my hands on them and
held them close to me, smiling.
“Who thought you both this?”
I asked curiously.
“No one.” Ernest
said. “It just seems the right thing to do.”
I looked at Ernest in amazement. This sentence was familiar I've heard it somewhere last time. Then I remembered that night Will and I at the
lake on our first date. That tacky dialogue. That made me smile again. Ernest
resembled Will he’s now talking like Daddy Will already. Although they weren't blood-linked but there was bonding which already firmly built while Ernest was
still little. The words Will had always used to make good sentences somehow
inherited on Ernest. He has a shadow of Will now.
“We just want daddy you to be happy.” June looked down on the ground and said.
“Daddy is happy.”
Smiling and kissing both of their cheeks. “You both are
the source of my happiness.” Ernest and June sat on my
thighs, closed their mouths with hands and chuckled in unison.
I held these two precious little monsters closer to me and
looked into Will’s photograph on the tombstone. I smiled this time because I
think he did know that I couldn't survive if something bad happened on him. He
had us adopted the kids not only for perfection of life but for me to continue
living, not only for myself, but for him too if he couldn't make himself back
home. And also a chance for the kids to have home. He loved his family so much
I knew he wasn't ready to leave us just yet. But there’s live, so there’s
death. Deep down he just wanted me to go on living a normal life until the end
of my time.
I understand your intention better now, Will.
The wind blowing stronger it rubbed against my face. The kids
closed their eyes with hands and I closed mine too, letting the breeze be. Love
is like the wind. You can’t touch it but you can feel it. And I wanted you to
know, my love for you is immortal, Will Sullivan.
-END-
-SAI KIT-
